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Showing posts from 2005

Joel Krupnik will get coal in his stocking

What kind of sociopath puts a bloody Santa Claus in a tree in front of his brownstone? Joel Krupnik - that's the kind. With a name like Krupnik you can imagine the ridicule he has been subjected to throughout his life. The mockery must be especially intense during the Yuletide season - a season that celebrates St. Nick, the jolly old elf, but Joel looks in the mirror and sees a bland, misguided fool named Krupnik. You've made the Christmas season a little bit uglier Joel - Ask not for who the bell rings, it rings for you - Clown!


The human tampon rides into America on his nag.

The wheels are coming off the trolley?

Peggy Noonan, The Wall Street Journal's answer to the New York Time's elderly schoolgirl columnist (props to Mark Steyn) Maureen Dowd, has officially flipped out. Perhaps it was the latest scandal in the Catholic Church that pushed her "into bad territory with the trolley", but she seems to think the world is out of control and the President - any President - can't handle it, manage it, control it anymore (as if they ever could). She also offers this beauty taken from Christopher Lawford's autobiography: "I'm glad I'm not going to be around when you guys are my age." I asked him ( Uncle Teddy ) why, and he said, "Because when you guys are my age, the whole thing is going to fall apart." Well, please kick the bucket ASAP Ted - few have done more to send "the trolley off the tracks" than you have. In death you might even have to give up your seat in the US Senate - though I don't know why because your constituency would

Fake Presidents

OK, so you're a progressive hand-wringing "liberal" and the political mood of the USA has not been going your way for the last 25 years - but really, aren't these alternate reality TV shows even more depressing than the GOP reality. You realize that the TV studios are making these programs for you, right? The model is Martin Sheen as President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet - the self righteous moralizer who inhabits the "West Wing" of the people's White House. Jed is the antidote to the dark reality so brilliantly portrayed in the British film titled "Love Actually" where the PM (Hugh, I'm not kidding) puts the US President (Billy Bob Thornton...and, no, I'm not kidding about that either) in his proper place with this brilliant bit of dialog: Press Conference Reporter: Mr. President, has it been a good visit? The President: Very satisfactory indeed. We got what we came for and our special relationship is still very special
hey, Jerry Jones - check this out!
fun times while inducting Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin and Emmitt Smith into the Cowboys "Ring of Honor" but the Redskins took a big steaming crap in their silver bowls.

My TV implodes

James Tiberius Kirk (a.k.a. William Shatner ) and opera's Frederica von Stade sang the theme from Shatner's 1960s series "Star Trek" last night creating a pyre of narcissism that consumed, not just the 57th Primetime Emmy Awards, but the entire history of television. There are no words that can describe the sight of a aging Kirk describe the mission of the Starship Enterprise with a backdrop of a video screen showing clips of him from 40(!) years ago fighting space aliens and kissing ET women. And then the operatic aaaah aaaah ah ah ah ah aaaaah.... my head was about to explode.
"Let's see what chef Paul Prudhomme can do with this fish"

Confederacy of Dunces in a Big Sleazy Clown Parade

What to say about the vengeance that God has visited upon New Orleans over the past 10 days? Where to start? How about Maureen Dowd's column in the 09/07/05 NYTimes (I know that she is an unstable shrew who is deserving of her very own clown blog and the inanity of her writing is an embarrassment to journalists everywhere and the NYTimes editors should be arrested for continuing to let her make an absolute fool of herself week after week, but...) in which she came up with this doozy - " Later this week (no point rushing things) W. is dispatching Dick Cheney to the rancid lake that was a romantic city. " - too which I can only say, Maureen must never have stepped foot in New Orleans. Because the Big Easy was many things - a whore house, a dope infested crime zone, the most corrupt city in the most corrupt state in the union, a den of licentious misfits and "bad pennies" who loved booze and music, home to Anne Rice, the House of the Rising Sun, Peter Fonda and D

Hey Kofi - stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

At last, John Bolton is where he belongs - Kicking butt in the United Nations. I have never understood the hand ringing that surrounded this appointment to one of the most useless organizations ever devised by soft minded humanity. It's almost an insult to be handed the UN job - and the only fun an "ambassador" could possibly have is busting the chops of the mamby-pamby diplomats who inhabit the UN (formerly the location of NYC slaughter houses) Here is the problem in a nutshell: How the UN Works Good luck ambassador Bolton - please see if you can make Senator George V. Voinovich cry again. Cry baby cry Make your mother sigh She's old enough to know better So cry baby cry
4th of July Advice

This Court is Out of Control

We must replace the members of this Supreme Court! Their opinion on Kelo vs. New London is too much - It is un-American and should have been a 9-0 ruling in favor of Kelo - how we can find 5 people in this country to support the majority ruling is disheartening - but the fact that we can find 5 "judges" to support it is nothing short of astounding. This court has no legitimacy - it's a joke and it's rulings are nonsense unless viewed through the prism of some neo-socialist/fascist politically correct nihilism. Old and un-American

Oprah! Dinkins

Back in the days when New York City suffered under the rule of David Dinkins - the mayor made a trip to Africa and famously said "I'm home." Now Oprah! has "told South Africans she felt "at home" in the country." Also, check out this beauty... "I'm crazy about the South African accent," she said. "I wish I had been born here." She would rather have been born a Zulu in South Africa than Oprah! in the good old USA where, by the way, she has also managed to become one of the wealthiest people on planet earth. I'm totally mystified by this kind of thinking (or whatever you call it). The Oprah Winfrey Show - Parallel Universe #3,238,307,330,576

Michael Jackson is Untouchable

He is the King of Pop! and the prosecutor who tried to frame him should be arrested. Looooooooser!

Please God, end this madness

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is just plain wrong. I saw the Stones play in Philly in 1976 (that's right nineteen hundred and seventy-six was 29 years ago) and they were old - I MEAN THEY WERE OLD - then. I saw them again in 1981 in Boulder CO in a stadium show that sucked eggs. Can anyone say Start Me Up? And I made an oath to stop seeing stadium rock concerts and to never see the Stones again because at this point they really were old (for a rock band) - they looked silly up on this mammoth stage singing "I can't get no satisfaction" and other hits to a sea of pathetic consumers. But if they were old then - and they were - what the fuck are they now? Good God, this is almost morbid - I mean this is nostalgia as a sickness and it

Point Me In the Direction Of Albuquerque

Jennifer Wilbanks stops the world by running away from her life - Crazy little ragdoll Get me outa here...

Messing up my signal

I was watching my weekly installment of " The Shield " last Tuesday and what invades my little cocoon of masculinity but a PSA that promotes homosexuality in 18th century Philadelphia. How bizarre and completely out of context - Do gay people watch "The Shield"??? Worse stuff is yet to come... According to the CNS News the Greater Philadelphia Tourism Marketing Corporation (who is responsible for this nonsense) is going to pull other innocents into their propaganda campaign. "Betsy Ross, Ben Franklin, and George Washington are lending their images to a new "gay-friendly" advertising campaign intended to bring more visitors to Philadelphia." Philly Phroots

R 'n R Fantasy Camp

More on Rock 'n Roll - an endless source material for the KOTCB Blog. I was thumbing through a paper last week and came across an article stating that Roger Daltrey (lead singer for The Who) would be a "councilor" at the Rock 'n Roll Fantasy Camp. Another example of the degradation of a rock group that needs to put out of its misery. When did things first start to go bad? I say it was when the Lighthouse project fell apart in the late 60's early 70's. Everything after that has been a steady decline for The Who - Lighthouse became the "Who's Next" albulm. What follows was a string of disappointments: "Quadrophenia" "The Who By Numbers" "Who Are You" Keith Moon Dies September 7, 1978 (the band should have been dissolved) December 1979 Fans are trampled at concert in US "Face Dances" "It's Hard" The farewell tour in the early 80's ..and then more reunion concerts. Selling their music to Ad Ag

Off a cliff

40 years ago - that's right, I said 40 years ago - it must have seemed like a good idea to start a publication about Rock & Roll music and "what's new and cool. But this isn't 1964... It's 2004 and Rock & Roll is an ossified shell. The creature has crawled off into the virtual world of the internet and computer games. What we're left with is the empty memories of an eternal adolescent and the glorification of the progeny from those who this sycophant worships. How sad and empty it must to be staring down 20 more years of this regurgitated sewage. Jann Wenner hits a new low

What's the matter with Florida?

Last year Thomas Frank wrote a book called What's the Matter with Kansas? The author took the poor people of this "red state" to the wood shed for having the gall to vote for GWB. Well, I ask you dear reader - What's the matter with Florida? This state has caused more disharmony in this country over the past 10 years than Kansas has in the past 200. A short list includes, Elian Gonzalez , the 2000 vote , this years National Championship Football Game and now Terri Schiavo - All part of the Florida experience. Perhaps it's time to give the State back to Spain? What a way to go.

Happy St. Patty's day

click here for a St. Patty's day joke. leprechaun with a gun
Good bye Dan, don't let the door hit you ass on the way out. 

Martha Kostyra

This editorial by Christoper Byron in the NY Post says just about anything that needs to be said on the subject of Martha. However, some people will never loose faith. Question: What kind of person buys a big estate in a community like Bedford NY and then refuses to keep open the riding lanes on her property? Answer: A no class bitch named Kostyra. "Now she's back, an unrepentant and defiant ex-con,"

Pepsi - Drink of the Spartacus Generation

No, No, No!!! It's not possible to create anything as fundamentally WRONG (I mean wrong in every conceivable way) as what BBDO did with the Pepsi advertisement using a scene from Spartacus that was shown tonight on the broadcast of the Academy Awards. It made me want to vomit. How could you take a powerful moment from one of the great films ( Kubrick for Christ's sake) and cheapen it with such mindless commercialism. I mean what's next? Citizen Kane, Ben Hur, The Godfather all could be used to sell soda pop or pizza or whatever... Message: You're all slaves and your moment of glory is found in drinking sugar water you pathetic, self absorbed couch potatoes.

Dennis the Menace

The infamous BTK (blind, torture, kill) serial killer has been arrested in Witchita Kansas and of course he's a middle aged white bureaucrat working for the State government. And what kind of job would a "person" like Dennis Rader find fulfilling? Answer: he was a supervisor of the compliance department - perfect. BTW - Dennis Rader is a great name for a mass murder.

Psych Ward

You know, as a person who grew up in the afterbirth of the 60s counterculture I have heard it all. There is no political, philosophical or artistic argument or POV that has not crossed my reader in the last 30 years of consciousness, but having to listen to people like Ward Churchill does give me pause. Check out these ravings from Satya magazine and see what you think of this kook. Having lived in Boulder CO for some part of my life I am familiar with his world view, but it is really only places like Boulder that these "ideas" can take root and grow. These college towns - Berkeley, Amherst, Chapel Hill and others foster a kind of "progressive" that is about as relevant to American society as the Amish people who live in a different closed society - but no less closed. But why is he on the Clown Bell Blog? Because it turns out they guy is not really an Indian (Native American as they are now called) as he has claimed to be - he's a big fat faker. Native America
People who kill themselves aren't cool. 

Notes on a talk by Christo and Jeanne-Claude

Last night I heard Christo and Jeanne-Claude give a talk to a smallish group of art enthusiasts in NYC. I learned something about them and their art and here are my observations. How can people live in New York City for 41 years and not learn the English language? Christo spoke like he had just gotten off the boat from Bulgaria (if there is a boat from there) and Jeanne-Caude was not much better though she did seem to know more words that he did. [I contend that if I were to spend 41 years in Sophia I would know how to speak the Bulgarian language fluently and without an American accent.] All of their art is created "only for themselves" and they could not care less if anyone likes it or not. However, everyone must live with it because they usurp all of the natural and man made elements in and around their work. As Jeanne-Claude said, "the rocks, the trees, the New York City skyline" are all part of The Gates. In my opinion this is a totalitarian world view that wor
Collectivist Narcissism 
Ancient Gate 
The Gates of Dawn by Herbert James Draper 
Fushimi Inari Strine - Japan 
Fushimi Inari Shrine - Japan 
Fushimi Inari Shrine - Japan 

OK, you're a Philistine

"'The Gates' is an abomination. Call me a Philistine, but how can one improve on trees, lakes and rocky outcroppings with miles of plastic-treated cloth? " wrote ANDREA PEYSER in a valentine hate note to Christo and Jeanne-Claude published in the NYPost. Well, what crawled up her butt? I mean this isn't a permanent exhibit - she doesn't have to live with The Gates forever, only for about two weeks. Also, I think The Gates are bright and fun - my kids love them - and they bring a lot of people into the park on a cold Feb. weekend. The restaurants on the upper west side have been packed since The Gates went up. It's not as if The Gates have upside down US flags hanging from them or contain pots of Cristos poop at the base of each orange gate. God knows what many a contemporary artist would inflict on the psyches of New Yorkers were they allotted $20 million and a canvas as large as central park. Imagine what Bruce Nauman or Jeff Koons would do with that much

Neil Portnow's GRAMMY Remarks

The music industry is evil. It's that simple, but there is such a thing as divine retribution and for Neil Portnow it comes in the form of peer-to-peer file sharing of recorded music. It's a tsunami more terrible than the wave that grew in the Indian Ocean on Boxing Day. But I say let it roll and roll until the streets of Hollywood are washed clean. "In the days ahead, you can count on the entire music community to continue to play our part in supplying hope and inspiration to us all. "

New Words for KOTCB

1. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 4. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 6. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 7. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 8. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 9. Hipatitis : Terminal coolness. 10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate's disease. (This one got extra credit.) 11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,

Social Security Reform is a done deal

I turned on Aaron Brown's News Night program tonight to see him interview uber clown Paul Krugman on the subject of Social Security reform. Because I've been paying into this "New Deal" program my entire life I listened with interest to the Krugman barometer. In short, the Princeton "Economist" believes that SS reform will NOT pass congress and this forecast almost assures a speedy passage of whatever the President submits to the hill this summer. No one - and I mean no one - is more consistantly wrong on politics than PK. Krugman did provide one of the (unintentionally) funniest before and after moments during the 2004 election. Check out these abstracts from the NYTimes web site: November 2, 2004, Tuesday (When he thought he would win) Faith In America By PAUL KRUGMAN ABSTRACT - Paul Krugman Op-Ed column says he is moved by pictures from Florida of early polling, showing long lines of citizens waiting sometimes for hours to cast their ballots; sa

Poor, Poor Rich - Clown For All Time

Frank Rich can be counted on to write idiotic commentary every Saturday in the NYTimes - and today was no exception. His theater reviews were politically laden slog and his time on the Op-Ed page was an embarrassment so Punch moved him to an Arts & leisure generalist - sort of like a Blog on paper. Here are a few jewels from today's effort( in red ) with commentary ( in blue ): The ensuing Washington indecency crusade has unleashed a wave of self-censorship on American television unrivaled since the McCarthy era... Oh yes, the McCarthy Era - what would a Frank Rich do without Joe McCarthy who hasn't been a force in US politics FOR 50 YEARS!!! And what self-censorship is he talking about? I wish it were true, but TV is toilet filled with stinking crap produced by friends of Frank Rich. Public television is now so fearful of crossing its government patrons that it is flirting with self-immolation...Next thing you know they'll be snipping lascivious flesh out of a