Keeper of the Clown Bell

Having watched hour upon hour of human pachinko during the World Cup I have grown accustomed to the emptiness I experience every 4 years. Truly, as a sport it's as un-American as any game gets; but it's the philosophical nihilism that wins the hearts and "minds" of the face painted plebeians who adore "the beautiful game". I put the word minds in quotes because soccer makes tiddlywinks look like a chess match where strategy is concerned. No - like life itself for billions of earth’s denizens it is a irritating and exhausting process of "running around" chasing a object of desire… that you're not even allowed to hold and you must endure half your existence watching your opponents kicking it around. Scoring is a whimsical event - almost a mistake half the time and it's not uncommon to have an authority figure (the ref) arbitrarily punish you for no good god damn reason and cost you everything. Mind numbing monotony, you're best shots