I 💗 pirates.
I think the golden age of piracy was one of the greatest times to be alive in human history and that pirates, a subject on which I have read quite a lot, lived a raucous, bawdy and "free" lifestyles. I could jump down the rabbit hole here and go deep into my personal favorite pirates, their adventures and the lasting effect their exploits have on Western Civilization which, in my humble opinion, are significant. But I'm going to focus on a fictional pirate named Captain Jack Sparrow from a fictional series of films about Pirates of the Caribbean based on a theme park ride of the same name located in the Magic Kingdom owned and operated by the Walt Disney corporation. This particular pirate was brought to life, so to speak, by a thespian named Johnny Depp who is rather infamous for his on screen (and off-screen) performances as a roguish lothario and all around libertine. The pirate Sparrow, not the actor, is a wonderful representation of these swashbuckling criminals and though the plots of these Disney pictures are about as believable as a theme park amusement ride the actors (Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley and especially Geoffrey Rush) animated their respective characters with such earnestness that the leaky ghost ship of a production did sail on to box office glory. (Note: I focus only on the first film, "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" which, like Star Wars, should have been a one-off masterpiece of Hollywood fluff but was turned into a franchised monstrosity by unimaginative money-grubbing scum).
Did you process that confession, all you Glee obsessed hoofers trucking down to rehearsal at the local dinner theater or belting it out at the upstate summer stock? All you thespians waiting tables and scurrying across town to the actors studio to polish your craft and audition for that big break playing a house wife in a washing detergent advertisement? How about you pirates sailing the high seas looking for a Spanish treasure galleon, eating salted beef and drinking warm rum in the sweltering still air while your fellow crewman plan mutiny and murder? You guys are working your ass off on a wing and a prayer but what you really need to do is befriend a blood relative in the Coppola nepotism network and get a meeting with Ilene Feldman - the world will be your oyster and you'll sail on its Black Pearl. It's really just that simple - they made Johnny Depp a movie star and he didn't even want to be an actor (he's "STILL not used to it"). In Hollywood it's a small world and the talent agents who manage the product like to keep it that way because, after all, they get a cut of every contract so the troupe must be curated and approved. For example, in 2011 when a 50ish Johnny started dating a 25ish Amber she co-stared in a movie titled "Drive Angry" with none other than Nicholas Cage. The lovebirds had to dump their significant others - he left a beautiful French actress and singer named Vanessa Paradis who was the mother of his children and she left lesbo shutterbug Tasya van Ree who was, essentially, her common-law husband. Johnny and Amber married in February of 2015 and she filed for divorce a year later in May 2016 and here they are 6 years later wallowing in their small world pig pen.
It's not my ambition to run down Depp or Heard any more than what they've already done to themselves but I would be remise in not pointing out that probably the most damning and salacious acts of violence and terror were omitted by the respective legal teams. Attorneys Ben Rottenborn (real name) and Camille Vasquez know they can't tell the truth about these two sensualists in a televised trial wired into the homes of ignorant movie fans all over the planet. People would freak out if they saw the raw dog lifestyle captured in porn clips, key witness testimony and text msg/IM cyber-bullying between these irreconcilable entertainers. What America got was something very much like a dark tunnel experience at Disneyland where robotic animated characters perform the same act they did yesterday for the people enjoying the ride - and they'll do it all over again tomorrow. This is the "small world" they live in - the prison of life - and for them, the ride never ends.
In our history there are records of those who lived free and easy to the very end (and they weren't actors) so I will list my top pirates here with the hope of someday explaining my choices and the order of my list. Until that time I encourage you to research and study the real pirates and emulate their courage and truthfulness.
- Thomas Tew
- Francis Drake
- William Kidd
- Edward Teach "Blackbeard"
- "Calico Jack" Rackham
Not quite pirates but still amazing spirits and immortal champions for all that is right.
- Sir Walter Ralegh
- John Paul Jones