It's a small world after all.

I 💗 pirates.

I think the golden age of piracy was one of the greatest times to be alive in human history and that pirates, a subject on which I have read quite a lot, lived a raucous, bawdy and "free" lifestyles. I could jump down the rabbit hole here and go deep into my personal favorite pirates, their adventures and the lasting effect their exploits have on Western Civilization which, in my humble opinion, are significant. But I'm going to focus on a fictional pirate named Captain Jack Sparrow from a fictional series of films about Pirates of the Caribbean based on a theme park ride of the same name located in the Magic Kingdom owned and operated by the Walt Disney corporation. This particular pirate was brought to life, so to speak, by a thespian named Johnny Depp who is rather infamous for his on screen (and off-screen) performances as a roguish lothario and all around libertine. The pirate Sparrow, not the actor, is a wonderful representation of these swashbuckling criminals and though the plots of these Disney pictures are about as believable as a theme park amusement ride the actors (Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley and especially Geoffrey Rush) animated their respective characters with such earnestness that the leaky ghost ship of a production did sail on to box office glory. (Note: I focus only on the first film, "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" which, like Star Wars, should have been a one-off masterpiece of Hollywood fluff but was turned into a franchised monstrosity by unimaginative money-grubbing scum). 

So iconic was Depp's portrayal of the piratical Jack Sparrow that his animatronic likeness was inserted into the "dark ride experience" from which the PoC lunacy originated - a full circle journey into the the Uncanny Valley. Seeing yourself as a puppet in a Disney theme park attraction would be a surreal experience for most people but, as was evident to anyone unlucky enough to watch the televised civil trial with ex-wife Amber Heard, it's just another day for Mr. Depp. I say this as someone who doesn't watch TV and hasn't seen any of the John C. Depp, II v. Amber Laura Heard trial (save one clip which I'll get to in a minute) but have simply seen FakeNews headlines, funny memes and listened to various podcasters (Tracy Beans, Russell Brand, etc.) talk about the testimony. I'm one of those people who couldn't give less of a shit about these people - I didn't even know who Amber Heard was before this dog & pony show got started. Aside from his Capt. Jack Sparrow role I haven't seen any of Johnny Depp's TV shows or movies other than trailers and clips on the internet. I'm not a fan of the actor or the roles he takes on and I'm certainly not a fan of the licentious, drug and alcohol fueled degenerate persona that shuffles around La La Land between takes. Obligatory Note: I do admire the wonderful moments when Depp visits children's hospitals dressed as a pirate and entertains leukemia patients - the man's got a heart. But I also realize that my obliviousness about these Hollywood celebrities is countered by millions of people who care, and I mean care deeply (or should I say Depply), about ALL of it to the point where this show trial consumed weeks of their life.

And from what I've gleaned through casual, all be it very distant, observation of this circus is that many normie, NPC, #MeToo types got Red Pilled (or even Clown Pilled) through the process of watching hours of uninterrupted testimony via TV or streaming services and then listening to the FakeNews media completely misrepresent and lie about what happened. Those folks who despise the Deplorables, mask up and get jabbed, support the latest thing (Love Trumps Hate, Believe all Women, BLM, Ukraine, etc) learned the hard way - by watching their Dream Factory idol get muckraked - that media corporations do not tell the truth about history and mostly tell agenda driven lies about current events. It's sickening for those of us who are aware but for those infantile minds who blurp-blurp the spoon fed psyop pabulum into their system without a care in the world this incongruity between what they saw with their own eyes and what the FakeNews tells them they saw is a triggering event. A complete and total ontological meltdown opening a pit and subsequent journey to the center of the earth = Hell.

When such an act of cultural terrorism afflicts the nation I think it's only proper to go back and explore the root causes that set this terrible chain of events in motion. As luck would have it there was a moment in the trial where the culprit who gave birth, so to speak, to this enfant terrible was identified and named before an international audience of millions (billions?) and that person is Ilene Feldman. Yes, that's right, I said Ilene Feldman and this little lady has got a lot to answer for because it is she, and she alone, who made Johnny Depp an "actor" and escorted him through security to the long and winding road of infamy. Depp tells the story: "I started acting by accident... was playing in a band... filling out job applications with my friend Nicolas Cage (Coppola)... Nick thought I could be an actor... sent me to his agent Ilene Feldman... read for Wes Craven... somehow got the job.... didn't want to be an actor... got SAG minimum which was a lot of money.... made more stupid movies... needed to pay bills... acting was foreign to me... no ambition to be an actor... very shy person... introverted... strange metamorphosis... very uncomfortable with it... it was odd... still not used to it now..." Hey, I'm not making this up, watch it yourself.

Did you process that confession, all you Glee obsessed hoofers trucking down to rehearsal at the local dinner theater or belting it out at the upstate summer stock? All you thespians waiting tables and scurrying across town to the actors studio to polish your craft and audition for that big break playing a house wife in a washing detergent advertisement? How about you pirates sailing the high seas looking for a Spanish treasure galleon, eating salted beef and drinking warm rum in the sweltering still air while your fellow crewman plan mutiny and murder? You guys are working your ass off on a wing and a prayer but what you really need to do is befriend a blood relative in the Coppola nepotism network and get a meeting with Ilene Feldman - the world will be your oyster and you'll sail on its Black Pearl. It's really just that simple - they made Johnny Depp a movie star and he didn't even want to be an actor (he's "STILL not used to it"). In Hollywood it's a small world and the talent agents who manage the product like to keep it that way because, after all, they get a cut of every contract so the troupe must be curated and approved. For example, in 2011 when a 50ish Johnny started dating a 25ish Amber she co-stared in a movie titled "Drive Angry" with none other than Nicholas Cage. The lovebirds had to dump their significant others - he left a beautiful French actress and singer named Vanessa Paradis who was the mother of his children and she left lesbo shutterbug Tasya van Ree who was, essentially, her common-law husband. Johnny and Amber married in February of 2015 and she filed for divorce a year later in May 2016 and here they are 6 years later wallowing in their small world pig pen.

It's not my ambition to run down Depp or Heard any more than what they've already done to themselves but I would be remise in not pointing out that probably the most damning and salacious acts of violence and terror were omitted by the respective legal teams. Attorneys Ben Rottenborn (real name) and Camille Vasquez know they can't tell the truth about these two sensualists in a televised trial wired into the homes of ignorant movie fans all over the planet. People would freak out if they saw the raw dog lifestyle captured in porn clips, key witness testimony and text msg/IM cyber-bullying between these irreconcilable entertainers. What America got was something very much like a dark tunnel experience  at Disneyland where robotic animated characters perform the same act they did yesterday for the people enjoying the ride - and they'll do it all over again tomorrow. This is the "small world" they live in - the prison of life - and for them, the ride never ends.

In our history there are records of those who lived free and easy to the very end (and they weren't actors) so I will list my top pirates here with the hope of someday explaining my choices and the order of my list. Until that time I encourage you to research and study the real pirates and emulate their courage and truthfulness. 

1. Thomas Tew
2. Francis Drake
3. William Kidd
4. Edward Teach "Blackbeard"
5. "Calico Jack" Rackham

Not quite pirates but still amazing spirits and immortal champions for all that is right.

• Sir Walter Ralegh
• John Paul Jones